A lifting

I knew I would not be very good at blogging ,but here I am attempting to become more disciplined so I believe I must make myself write. It helps that I can't sleep and feel compelled to pour my soul out onto a screen that possibly no one will see.
Sleep has eluded me for months. I just cannot rest easy. Tonight I had hoped to begin to develop a more normal sleep routine. I finished working, I brushed my teeth and hair, and got ready for bed. I laid in bed to read and listened to relaxing meditation "music". Afterwords I said a couple of prayers.
* I have found that as I have fallen deeper and deeper into the chasm of depression and despair , that I became further away from God. I am taking baby steps back. He is waiting for me to make it back on my own time. He is letting me join him on my own terms. *
I turned on a show , knowing full well I would fall asleep. It worked. I was asleep in minutes. Sadly, I was immediately thrown into one of those dreams where you only float at the surface between REM and Awake. You are aware you are sleeping, or not sleeping in my case, and you think yourself to wake.. but struggle and fight with your conscience-ness. I finally won the battle and burst through the bubble into wakefulness and reality, only to look at the clock and realize I had not even slept half of an hour. Disappointment.
While I am disappointed in my sleep, I am uplifted with my progress in other areas. I am fighting, VERY HARD, with self discipline of THOUGHT. Not letting my mind think what it will , when it will.. but rather standing firmly against my mind and saying "NO! You will NOT go off on a tangent, you will remain.. RIGHT HERE and you will FOCUS on the matter at hand. " My mind is like an unruly toddler.. wishing to go fulfill it's own desire. Pulling at the hand of the guardian and attempting to go off to explore more exciting things. Sometimes my shoulder feels it could be dislocated from the sheer struggle of standing my ground. I may be sore armed, but I stand.  I have also been excited to discover that my body seems to be balancing itself out. It has been about a week of my dropping all medications with the exception of my thyroid. (I have also quit drinking coffee , which for anyone who knows me, this is nothing short of MIRACULOUS. ) . I have found that my body tells me it is thirsty more, I reach for more water, I quench my thirst .. and my body begins to crave MORE refreshment from sources such as fruits and vegetables. I feel better. It is like a layer of scum or build up has been removed from my body and mind. Things are not cleaned yet, but without that build up it is that much more of an improvement. There is a lifting.. of my mind, my body, and my soul.
Now , to let it soar...