I had started this blog 2 years ago as I thought my life had burned to nothing and I would attempt to rise again. What I didn't realize was that I still had further to fall. .. The flames were still burning down what had been my life. I'm not entirely sure they are out.
I look back at the last couple years or so and I just cannot believe how wrong I was.
I was a weak person. I had allowed myself to be in an unhealthy relationship for years, all the while telling everyone how wonderful my life was. I think I was in reality trying to sell myself on this.
Love doesn't mock, disrespect, call names. Love doesn't criticize and insult.
If one sees a beautiful bird , bright colorful plumage shimmering in the light, do they grab it , crushing
, and cut it's plumage and lock it away in a cage in a dark corner and mock it or do they admire it's beauty while allowing it the freedom to be itself. ..A bird.
Love appreciates the other for who they are, the way God made them. Love doesn't place one person above another. Love doesn't pity. Mostly love doesn't lie and betray. It simply doesn't.
I'm struggling with the reality that there really was no love. If you love someone you absolutely do NOT seek to torture them to their destruction.
I've been close to giving up and not going on a few times. The pain I've suffered at the hands of one who claimed to love me once is a pain so tremendous one cannot hardly imagine it. The pain doesn't go away, it's only that some days it bubbles to the surface to eat away at my resolve.
The embers continue to burn.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
When ashes aren't truly ashes
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
I feel weary.
Some days I feel high.. and certain that I will succeed.
But for now I am weary.
I just want to complete this journey that I have set out on.
I feel like I am in one of those dreams where you run and run and run but go nowhere. Do I keep running the way I am headed? Do I stop and go back the way I came?
Perhaps what I need to do , is to stop... breathe... calm myself.. meditate.. and then set out again.
Some days I feel high.. and certain that I will succeed.
But for now I am weary.
I just want to complete this journey that I have set out on.
I feel like I am in one of those dreams where you run and run and run but go nowhere. Do I keep running the way I am headed? Do I stop and go back the way I came?
Perhaps what I need to do , is to stop... breathe... calm myself.. meditate.. and then set out again.
Friday, January 20, 2012
LEAVE IT
LEAVE IT..
This is my new Mantra.
My mind has really been wandering today.
I found myself standing in the shower with my mind on a thought and I didn't know how i had even gotten on that thought to begin with. There I had been zoned out, wasting hot water... and for WHAT?
I was thinking of things I needed to do at work .. NEXT TUESDAY.
Why? I can't do anything about them right now.. the world won't end if I ignore it all..
I realized then and there.. I HAVE A CHOICE.
I can CHOOSE to let that thought permeate my mind. I can choose to waste my time on that thought.. or I can say "LEAVE IT " and move on to another , more productive thought.
Any time I let a thought into my mind and have power.. I do it by choice. It has as much , or as little, power as I allow it.
So for today... I am just going to ..
LEAVE IT
This is my new Mantra.
My mind has really been wandering today.
I found myself standing in the shower with my mind on a thought and I didn't know how i had even gotten on that thought to begin with. There I had been zoned out, wasting hot water... and for WHAT?
I was thinking of things I needed to do at work .. NEXT TUESDAY.
Why? I can't do anything about them right now.. the world won't end if I ignore it all..
I realized then and there.. I HAVE A CHOICE.
I can CHOOSE to let that thought permeate my mind. I can choose to waste my time on that thought.. or I can say "LEAVE IT " and move on to another , more productive thought.
Any time I let a thought into my mind and have power.. I do it by choice. It has as much , or as little, power as I allow it.
So for today... I am just going to ..
LEAVE IT
Thursday, January 19, 2012
A lifting
I knew I would not be very good at blogging ,but here I am attempting to become more disciplined so I believe I must make myself write. It helps that I can't sleep and feel compelled to pour my soul out onto a screen that possibly no one will see.
Sleep has eluded me for months. I just cannot rest easy. Tonight I had hoped to begin to develop a more normal sleep routine. I finished working, I brushed my teeth and hair, and got ready for bed. I laid in bed to read and listened to relaxing meditation "music". Afterwords I said a couple of prayers.
* I have found that as I have fallen deeper and deeper into the chasm of depression and despair , that I became further away from God. I am taking baby steps back. He is waiting for me to make it back on my own time. He is letting me join him on my own terms. *
I turned on a show , knowing full well I would fall asleep. It worked. I was asleep in minutes. Sadly, I was immediately thrown into one of those dreams where you only float at the surface between REM and Awake. You are aware you are sleeping, or not sleeping in my case, and you think yourself to wake.. but struggle and fight with your conscience-ness. I finally won the battle and burst through the bubble into wakefulness and reality, only to look at the clock and realize I had not even slept half of an hour. Disappointment.
While I am disappointed in my sleep, I am uplifted with my progress in other areas. I am fighting, VERY HARD, with self discipline of THOUGHT. Not letting my mind think what it will , when it will.. but rather standing firmly against my mind and saying "NO! You will NOT go off on a tangent, you will remain.. RIGHT HERE and you will FOCUS on the matter at hand. " My mind is like an unruly toddler.. wishing to go fulfill it's own desire. Pulling at the hand of the guardian and attempting to go off to explore more exciting things. Sometimes my shoulder feels it could be dislocated from the sheer struggle of standing my ground. I may be sore armed, but I stand. I have also been excited to discover that my body seems to be balancing itself out. It has been about a week of my dropping all medications with the exception of my thyroid. (I have also quit drinking coffee , which for anyone who knows me, this is nothing short of MIRACULOUS. ) . I have found that my body tells me it is thirsty more, I reach for more water, I quench my thirst .. and my body begins to crave MORE refreshment from sources such as fruits and vegetables. I feel better. It is like a layer of scum or build up has been removed from my body and mind. Things are not cleaned yet, but without that build up it is that much more of an improvement. There is a lifting.. of my mind, my body, and my soul.
Now , to let it soar...
Sleep has eluded me for months. I just cannot rest easy. Tonight I had hoped to begin to develop a more normal sleep routine. I finished working, I brushed my teeth and hair, and got ready for bed. I laid in bed to read and listened to relaxing meditation "music". Afterwords I said a couple of prayers.
* I have found that as I have fallen deeper and deeper into the chasm of depression and despair , that I became further away from God. I am taking baby steps back. He is waiting for me to make it back on my own time. He is letting me join him on my own terms. *
I turned on a show , knowing full well I would fall asleep. It worked. I was asleep in minutes. Sadly, I was immediately thrown into one of those dreams where you only float at the surface between REM and Awake. You are aware you are sleeping, or not sleeping in my case, and you think yourself to wake.. but struggle and fight with your conscience-ness. I finally won the battle and burst through the bubble into wakefulness and reality, only to look at the clock and realize I had not even slept half of an hour. Disappointment.
While I am disappointed in my sleep, I am uplifted with my progress in other areas. I am fighting, VERY HARD, with self discipline of THOUGHT. Not letting my mind think what it will , when it will.. but rather standing firmly against my mind and saying "NO! You will NOT go off on a tangent, you will remain.. RIGHT HERE and you will FOCUS on the matter at hand. " My mind is like an unruly toddler.. wishing to go fulfill it's own desire. Pulling at the hand of the guardian and attempting to go off to explore more exciting things. Sometimes my shoulder feels it could be dislocated from the sheer struggle of standing my ground. I may be sore armed, but I stand. I have also been excited to discover that my body seems to be balancing itself out. It has been about a week of my dropping all medications with the exception of my thyroid. (I have also quit drinking coffee , which for anyone who knows me, this is nothing short of MIRACULOUS. ) . I have found that my body tells me it is thirsty more, I reach for more water, I quench my thirst .. and my body begins to crave MORE refreshment from sources such as fruits and vegetables. I feel better. It is like a layer of scum or build up has been removed from my body and mind. Things are not cleaned yet, but without that build up it is that much more of an improvement. There is a lifting.. of my mind, my body, and my soul.
Now , to let it soar...
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
It is said "A Journey of a thousand miles, begins but with a single step" . I feel like I am beginning my journey over for the thousandth time, but I am still motivated to take that step. For the moment, at least, I must stand.. breathe.. and figure out the path I am to take.
I know my goal. My destination. What I do not know, is how to achieve that goal.
I know I must learn to love myself. To accept myself. That is possibly the hardest task that I have to accomplish, yet it seems as if it should be the easiest. I mean.. if you can love ANYONE, shouldn't it be yourself? But I hold myself to a level of expectation that isn't reachable. Unless I can find a way to develop my clone or perhaps grow some extra limbs. I must find a way to accept myself for what I am.. Human.
My problem seems to stem from my abusive past, I hear echoes of those insults and criticisms. It was as if each one of them tattooed themselves onto my heart. But that was my own doing. The best idea would have been to have accepted that I was human and I would make mistakes and it wasn't the end of the world. The world still turned, the sun still rose, and I still lived another day.
If I can indeed accept and love myself, I believe it will help the rest to fall into place.
Now to go give myself a GREAT.BIG.HUG.
I know my goal. My destination. What I do not know, is how to achieve that goal.
I know I must learn to love myself. To accept myself. That is possibly the hardest task that I have to accomplish, yet it seems as if it should be the easiest. I mean.. if you can love ANYONE, shouldn't it be yourself? But I hold myself to a level of expectation that isn't reachable. Unless I can find a way to develop my clone or perhaps grow some extra limbs. I must find a way to accept myself for what I am.. Human.
My problem seems to stem from my abusive past, I hear echoes of those insults and criticisms. It was as if each one of them tattooed themselves onto my heart. But that was my own doing. The best idea would have been to have accepted that I was human and I would make mistakes and it wasn't the end of the world. The world still turned, the sun still rose, and I still lived another day.
If I can indeed accept and love myself, I believe it will help the rest to fall into place.
Now to go give myself a GREAT.BIG.HUG.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Oh my... here we are. It has been suggested that I write. Many times. I am not a very good writer. Grammar escapes me. And my mind is very random. But I will try my vest to convey my thoughts . And let us hope that there is a point to my message.
This is a time that I am attempting to improve myself. To break out of my comfort zones. To learn new skills.
This is the beginning of a new journey. I am going to try to balance my mind. I will be seeking to speak to others who might be able to help me along my journey. I will read. I will listen. (Yes, LISTEN). And I believe I will be better off for it.
So bear with me.. and send me positive vibes..
As I await the Phoenix's return.
This is a time that I am attempting to improve myself. To break out of my comfort zones. To learn new skills.
This is the beginning of a new journey. I am going to try to balance my mind. I will be seeking to speak to others who might be able to help me along my journey. I will read. I will listen. (Yes, LISTEN). And I believe I will be better off for it.
So bear with me.. and send me positive vibes..
As I await the Phoenix's return.
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