When ashes aren't truly ashes

I had started this blog 2 years ago as I thought my life had burned to nothing and I would attempt to rise again. What I didn't realize was that I still had further to fall. .. The flames were still burning down what had been my life. I'm not entirely sure they are out.
I look back at the last couple years or so and I just cannot believe how wrong I was.
I was a weak person.  I had allowed myself to be in an unhealthy relationship for years,  all the while telling everyone how wonderful my life was.  I think I was in reality trying to sell myself on this.
Love doesn't mock,  disrespect,  call names.  Love doesn't criticize and insult. 
If one sees a beautiful bird , bright colorful plumage shimmering in the light,  do they grab it , crushing
, and cut it's plumage and lock it away in a cage in a dark corner and mock it or do they admire it's beauty while allowing it the freedom to be itself. ..A bird.
Love appreciates the other for who they are,  the way God made them.  Love doesn't place one person above another.  Love doesn't pity.  Mostly love doesn't lie and betray.  It simply doesn't.
I'm struggling with the reality that there really was no love.  If you love someone you absolutely do NOT seek to torture them to their destruction. 
I've been close to giving up and not going on a few times. The pain I've suffered at the hands of one who claimed to love me once is a pain so tremendous one cannot hardly imagine it. The pain doesn't go away,  it's only that some days it bubbles to the surface to eat away at my resolve.
The embers continue to burn.